We all know the feeling. Someone speaks sharply to us, maybe a spouse frustrated over a forgotten errand, a coworker upset about a missed deadline, or a child lashing out in disappointment. In that moment, anger rises in our chest. Our pulse quickens. Words form on our tongue, ready to defend, to justify, to strike back.

What we do next matters more than we think.

The Right Response: Gentleness Defuses Anger

Solomon gives us clear instruction: “A gentle answer turns away wrath” (Prov. 15:1a). This isn’t a technique for manipulation. It’s wisdom for living at peace with others, especially in our homes where tempers flare most easily.

Notice the promise: a gentle answer turns away wrath. Like water on a fire, gentleness has a cooling effect. It takes the oxygen out of an argument before it can rage out of control.

The same chapter reinforces this: “A hot-tempered man stirs up strife, but the slow to anger quiets a dispute” (Prov. 15:18). Gentleness and patience work together. When anger comes at us, we don’t have to match its intensity. We can choose a different path.

Consider Abigail in 1 Samuel 25. Her foolish husband Nabal insulted David, and David was coming to slaughter their entire household. Abigail didn’t meet David’s fury with excuses or counter-accusations. She came with humility, with provisions, with gentle words that acknowledged David’s grievance without escalating the conflict.

David’s response tells us everything: “Blessed be your discernment, and blessed be you, who have kept me this day from bloodshed” (1 Sam. 25:33). A gentle response saved lives that day.

Solomon puts it another way: “A soft tongue breaks the bone” (Prov. 25:15). The same Hebrew word for “soft” appears as “gentle” in our passage. A gentle word has surprising power—not the power to dominate, but the power to disarm.

The Wrong Response: Harshness Escalates Anger

“But a harsh word stirs up anger” (Prov. 15:1b). The Hebrew word for “harsh” carries the idea of pain. When Eve sinned, God told her, “I will greatly multiply your pain” (Gen. 3:16). Solomon uses the same word. He writes, “In all painful labor there is profit” (Prov. 14:23).

Harsh words are painful words. They don’t have to be shouted or mean-spirited to cause damage. Even true words, spoken at the wrong time or in the wrong way, can wound.

Picture a husband who forgets to pay a bill, costing the family a late fee. He comes to his wife already feeling foolish and guilty. She responds, “I told you three months ago we should have set up auto-pay. If you had just listened to me, we wouldn’t be in this mess.”

Everything she says is factually correct. She may even think she’s helping prevent future mistakes. But her words land like salt in an open wound. She’s added pain to pain. The original problem (a forgotten bill) now grows into something larger: resentment, defensiveness, distance.

If harsh words are bad, harsh angry words are worse. “A hot-tempered man stirs up strife” (Prov. 15:18b). Anger feeds anger. One sharp word invites another, and soon a small spark becomes a consuming fire.

Guard Your Mouth, Cultivate Gentleness

We cannot control how others speak to us. We can only control how we respond.

This is especially true in our families, where six people (or however many share your home) each carry their own capacity for anger. The question isn’t whether conflict will come. The question is: What will we do when it arrives?

Will we meet anger with more anger? Will we justify our harshness because we’ve been treated harshly? Or will we remember that a gentle answer has power (God’s power) to turn away wrath?

This doesn’t mean we ignore sin or refuse to speak truth. Gentleness isn’t weakness. But it does mean we refuse to repay evil for evil, insult for insult. We speak the truth, yes, but we speak it with care for the other person’s heart.

The gospel helps us here. We who deserved God’s wrath received His gentleness instead. Christ didn’t answer our rebellion with harshness, but with a cross. When we were His enemies, He spoke mercy.

That mercy now lives in us. By His Spirit, we can speak gently even when anger provokes us. We can be slow to anger because God was slow to anger with us.

The next time someone’s anger comes at you, you have a choice. You can pour fuel on the fire, or you can bring water. Choose gentleness. Choose to turn away wrath. You’ll be surprised at how often it works.​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​